Unsolicited Advice
by mugglemama
Summary: Harry has some words of wisdom for Ron about Hermione, whether he wants them or not.


AN: This was written for the HP Canon Fest on LiveJournal. My prompt was "Harry Freaking Potter". Hope you enjoy! Please be kind and leave a review!

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><p>"Y'know what you oughta do?" Harry asks, blinking his eyes rapidly behind his glasses, trying to bring the world into focus. He looks like a freaking drunken owl.<p>

I try not to laugh at the poor bloke, slurring and swaying in his seat. He's completely sloshed. I'm just feeling a bit squiffy myself.

"No, what?" I take a swig of my pint – gotta admit I'm enjoying these Muggle pubs Harry's been dragging me to since he turned eighteen.

"You oughta have sex," he announces, as casual as if he'd just asked me to pass him the crisps.

_Pttuhhh_!

My mouthful of ale goes flying across the table and all over Harry's face – effing waste of some perfectly good Guinness.

"Wh-wh-what?" I sputter. There's no way he just said what I think he said...

"Sex," he says again. "You should have it." Harry takes his glasses off to wipe them on his shirt. "With Hermione," he clarifies.

"Right, with Hermione," I mumble, wondering how we're having this conversation. Did I fall and hit my head, and now I'm having some fucked-up dream?

"I mean, you two are together now, right?"

"Together? Um, yeah..."

We are, but it's not like I suddenly said, 'Hey Hermione, now that ol' Voldy's kicked it, wanna be my girlfriend?' More like we kissed one day, and then again the next ... and that was that.

"It's going alright then, yeah? She's been a bit tetchy lately – more than usual... Thought she was going to hex your bits off at breakfast this morning."

"Nah, we're good. Life's just gone a bit pear-shaped lately is all. There's a lot going on."

"_And_ she's heading back to school soon..."

"Don't fucking remind me," I grumble. The subject of Hermione and Hogwarts is NOT my favourite.

"So, if you don't make your move now, it'll be _months_ before you get the chance."

Wait a minute...

"Oi! You're not trying to convince me to get my leg over with Hermione so you won't feel guilty about shagging my sister are you? 'Cause I swear Potter, 'Chosen One' or not–"

"No!" he shouts, flapping his hands defensively. "God, no. Ginny's barely even let me touch her _tiii_–" He stops himself before he can finish that thought. Smart move.

I decide to let him live … for now.

"Why exactly is it I should take your advice anyway? Not like you know much about this sort of thing."

"I know you two. Besides, you said it yourself," he says, picking up his pint, "_I'm_ the Chosen One!"

"Shh! Keep your voice down, will you?" I notice people starting to stare.

"The Boy Who Lived!" he shouts even louder, raising his full glass in the air and waving it about.

"I'm Harry Freaking Potter!"

"I don't care who the hell you are," the bloke at the next table yells as Harry splashes ale on him, "just _freaking_ naff off!"

Harry stumbles to his feet, knocking his chair over in the process. "Oh yeah..."

"Leave it, mate." I somehow manage to lead Harry out the door and to an alley where we can _Apparate_ back to the Burrow without any bloodshed.

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><p>"Will you shut it?" I hiss as we head up the stairs. No need to wake Mum, she needs her rest after all (not to mention, I don't need her screaming at me). Harry just giggles.<p>

He's fucking giggling.

At least he's a happy drunk. Though neither of us'll be laughing if he wakes Mum.

"Hermione loves you," he says, stopping suddenly on the second floor landing.

"Thanks for the update." I give him a shove to get him moving again. Only a few more floors to go...

"And you love her."

"Move it," I grumble, shoving him a bit harder. I'm not one to discuss things like _feelings_, 'specially not in the middle of the stairs with a drunk.

"You two are in _luuuurve_," he croons. I'm seriously rethinking the decision to save him from that beating back at the pub...

"You need to talk to her."

"I talk to her everyday." Only one more floor...

"No, about sex!"

Seriously, I'm going to have to beat him myself.

"Life's too short, Ron." He's suddenly looking more sober. "Don't wait."

"Harry..."

"Promise me. Promise me you'll talk to her." Persistent little shite, isn't he?

"Fine, I'll freaking talk to her. Just go, yeah?"

"Tonight. It's gotta be tonight." He takes off down the hall toward Percy's old room where Hermione is staying.

"Shit, Harry." Did I say beat? I meant slaughter.

"What's going on out here?" Hermione's standing in the doorway to her room with her wand drawn, looking none too pleased.

Fuck! Just what I need...

"Ron wants to talk to you," Harry tells her, a big shite-eating grin on his face.

"Oh, does he?" My freaking bollocks start to shrivel at the chill in her voice. Still angry then, I guess.

"Hey, Hermione." It's really hard to keep my eyes on her face when she's standing there in her nightdress, arms crossed, her tits almost spilling out... Does she know that damn thing is nearly see-through?

Wait, if _I_ can see her nipples, that means...

"We'll just be going." I grab Harry by the shoulders and turn him around. "Sorry to bother you..."

"Nooo," Harry whinges. He squirms his way out of my grasp and pushes me toward Hermione. "You talk ... you promised." Have to admit, for such a scrawny git, he's pretty strong.

"Look mate, it's late..." I protest.

"It's fine." Hermione's words stop my resistance – unfortunately, Harry hasn't stopped pushing. A last second grab for the door frame keeps me from knocking Hermione over.

As she walks into the room, I can't keep my eyes off her perfect little arse. Damn! The way her nightie clings to it...

My bollocks are officially revived – let's just hope she lets me keep them.

"I'll just wait out here," Harry offers as he closes the door – followed by a muffled _thump_. "I'm alright," he mumbles.

"What did you want to talk about?" Hermione's voice is all prim and McGonagally but she can't fool me. I can see those pink nipples peeking at me from under her gown. Pretty certain she's happy to see me. Just to make sure...

"I wanted to say goodnight." I rub my cheek roughly as I speak.

Yep. Just as I expected... She shivers at the raspy sound of my stubble under my hand – and her nipples grow even harder. 'Course so do I.

Feeling lucky, I close the gap between us, sliding my hands up and down her arms. When she doesn't back away, I chance a kiss on the corner of her mouth.

"You've been drinking," she observes as I kiss my way across her cheek.

"Not as much as Harry," I tease, nuzzling her ear. I love the way she shudders when I do that. My lips move down her neck. I'm hoping for that little sigh she makes that means she's stopped thinking and is just ... feeling.

"You smell like rosemary."

Guess I haven't earned 'the sigh' yet.

"Landed in the herb garden when we _Apparated_ home," I explain, kissing my way to the other side of her throat.

"Your Mum won't be too happy about that."

"I'll just blame Harry," I tell her before flicking my tongue at the hollow of her throat. That move wins me a nice moan – not 'the sigh', but darn close.

"Speaking of Harry," she says, pulling back to look at me through narrowed eyes. Uh-oh, not my favourite look, usually spells trouble for me.

"What exactly did you promise him you'd talk to me about?"

"Oh, uh...it's noth–"

"Don't say it's 'nothing'. Your ears are glowing, so I know it's something embarrassing. Tell me."

"Itsaboutsex," I mumble.

"Come again?" she says. I try not to groan at her word choice.

"I said: it's about sex."

"Harry wants you to talk to me about sex?" She looks as shocked as I did back at the pub, luckily she doesn't have any Guinness to spit at me.

"Not just talk, he um..." I close my eyes tight so I don't have to see her face when I say the next part. "He thinks we should have it." I brace myself for an explosion that, oddly enough, doesn't happen.

The silence is starting to scare me, so I slowly open my eyes. Hermione hasn't spontaneously combusted, although she's certainly completely gobsmacked.

"Wh-wh-what?" she sputters.

"That's exactly what I said!"

"Harry thinks we should have sex?"

"Apparently."

"Why?"

"I'm not exactly sure. He said something about you being a bit tetchy lately."

"That's because of all that's been going on with my parents, and school–"

"I know, I know." She looks so fragile right now, I freaking hate that. When I reach out and touch her cheek she kisses the palm of my hand. I never knew something like that could feel so sexy.

Biting her lip (God, I love when she does that!), she looks up at me with that sly smile she saves just for me. "Did you tell Harry he was about six weeks too late with his _advice_?"

"No," I laugh. "Didn't think you'd want me telling him about all that. I could however, let him think tonight's our first time," I offer, my hands running down her sides and around to her lush arse.

"You can just keep your mouth shut about what goes on between us, thank you very much."

"Yes, M'am," I agree, squeezing her bum and pulling her tight against me. She's so soft – makes me so damn hard...

"I'm still angry with you, you know," Hermione announces as I go in for a kiss. "That stunt you pulled this morning..." she rolls her eyes at me and shoves me away lightly.

She has a little smirk on her face, so I know I'm not in too much trouble. "You didn't _sound_ that angry at the time," I point out.

"In fact," I add (in for a knut, in for a sickle after all), "while you were yelling my name, I would say there wasn't a hint of anger in your voice."

"Just because I enjoyed it," she practically screeches, while pushing at my chest harder this time, "it doesn't mean you can _Apparate_ into the shower with me!"

"I was careful, you know that." Maybe I shouldn't have done it, but, damn, I'm not sorry I did. When I snuck into Hermione's room and found she was already in the shower, all those fantasies of her covered in soap and bubbles, water streaming down her fit little body came to life (as did my cock). Reality definitely exceeded fantasy in this case.

"It doesn't matter, anyone could have found us." Oh right, she's still talking...

"But they didn't," I try to reason with her. "Come on, no one's better at hiding themselves than we are." That earns me a little smile.

I decide not to mention if we had been caught, it would've been _her_ fault, what with all the moaning and screaming she was doing. Not that I'm complaining, mind you.

"Besides, it's like Harry said to me tonight, Hermione: life's too short," I say instead.

Shite, now she looks like she's gonna cry. I quickly put my arms around her and rub her back. I fucking _hate_ when she cries.

"I know it was a bit reckless," I finally admit. "Though honestly, I can't tell you how many times I've thought of you like that. I guess I just got carried away."

"In the shower, you mean?"

"Well, er ... _yeah_." I can feel my stupid face flushing, but I don't look away. I still can't believe that I can talk to Hermione about stuff like this – hell, even _do_ stuff like this with her.

"I know what you mean. There's just something about the steam ... and the water..." Her finger follows the path of an imaginary drop of water down my chest. I groan when she rakes her nail over my nipple on her way toward the waistband of my trousers.

Fuck, I love this woman. It's been _hours_ since I've shown her how much. It's way past time...

"_Pssst_," a disembodied voice whispers from the hall. Fuck. Harry really needs to work on his stealth tactics – and his timing.

"How's it coming?" he asks. "Coming. Hehehehe, that's funny." The fecking wanker's giggling again; though thanks to him, looks like _I'll_ be the wanker tonight.

"I think you should get him into bed before he wakes the entire house," Hermione suggests.

"I'd rather get _you_ into bed." Even though I'm pouting like a little tyke whose favourite toy was just taken away (which I guess it was), I head towards the door. "I should have some 'Sober-Up' potion in my room, reckon I'll give him that."

"Why don't you give him a sleeping draught instead?" Hermione asks.

"The 'Sober-Up' will keep him from getting a hangover."

"I think he deserves one for being such a nosey parker." I can think of a few more choice words for Harry tonight, none of which Hermione would approve of. "Besides," she adds with a slightly wicked grin, "if you give him the sleeping draught, you can come back down here."

Takes me all of half a second to get the door open. "Alright Harry, time to turn in," I announce.

"Wow, that was fast..." he observes. I can hear Hermione giggling behind me. So glad everyone's having a laugh at my expense tonight.

"C'mon." I get him to his feet and half-drag, half-carry him to the stairs.

"Oh, wait ... she turned you down didn't she?" he slurs. "It's alright, you can tell me. After all, I'm Harry Freaking–"

"Well, I'm Ron _Fucking_ Weasley, and I say it's none of your damn business."

I look over my shoulder to see Hermione laughing at us. I can't wait to get back to her. Wonder if I can get her to draw us a bath...


End file.
